Dear African parents!
Allow your children to marry whoever they wish to settle down with irrespective of religion or past history.
Love is a thin line and a choice of the love birds.
My emphasis is on African parents because it is cultural for them to make findings about who their kids wishes to marry but in the western world marriages is the decision of the couples (the guy and the babe).
The Whites rarely make findings about family history of the bride or the groom; in Europe, it is a common practice to attend wedding parties in honour of friends and colleagues with little or no reference to their past lives. You can't dare it in Africa!
In Africa, it is a different ball, any attempt to date a thief, ritualist, a serial womanizer or a 'slay Queen' will be unraveled without much consultations or investigation. You will hear stories like:
"The guy is a chain smoker and drinks too much beer. He's not responsible".
"That girl can f**k for Africa, if you marry her, you will end up fathering other peoples children because your home will be a brothel".
"His grandfather was a rapist and the thing flows in their family. All of them are he goats. Don't marry him".
"She's can't settle down with one man. Check out her family members, they are all ashawo and husband snatchers".
"If you marry him, you won't live long. They have cases of premature death lingering in their family. They die mysteriously".
"My prophetess told me the girl is having seven spiritual husbands, if you marry her, she will never get pregnant and things will get worse for you financially".
Etc......
This is where things begin to turn sour and fall apart for intending African couples.
Marriage is between two people who are in love but many homes are in trauma today because of their parents decision not minding the compatibility of the couples.
I strongly advise intending couples NEVER to marry because of their parents decision. Marry who you love and if possible elope if it can make you find joy. Don't be scared of your parents blessings ONLY if you know the man in question won't disappoint you someday and you will run back home like a prodigal son. Many couples are living together with their bodies while their minds and souls live many miles apart thus there is no smile in their homes. The home is built on the foundation of lies and deceit.
Many relationships and marriages are graded as mess today because the lady or man want to satisfy the interest of their parents and in such relationships or marriages you find the following features:
1. Each time there is disagreement, one of the partners is always begging for peace to reign while his / her partner insists on breakup. Her mind is not in the relationship but her ex is all she thinks.
2. Couples can live apart for years or months and deceive each other with calls of "I miss you", "I love you", "Do you miss me", "you know I love you" etc. These are all jargons. Some live in same cities but prefer to make phone calls than seeing each other yet pretend to be in love. They are acting the scripts of their parents.
3. Couples disagree at ease. They hardly find time to spend together yet they disagree whenever they attempt to converse on phone, chats and the once in a blue moon they manage to meet often end up with disagreements. They are not compatible but want to satisfy their parents.
4. There is nothing he / she will do to better his / her life that will be appreciated. This happens when his or her mind is still centered on the ex who is rich. There is no strings of appreciation attached to any gesture no matter the level of sacrifice.
5. If any of the partners talk ill of his or her ex in the presence of the lover, it can ignite a fight because he or she won't tolerate you insult their supposed ex who is still on their minds. He or she will up seeking for a breakup because one of the partners insulted her ex or his ex. The supposed ex lives in her and must not be belittled.
7. Partners will never hangout together on a date but one of the partners always sneak at night to spend time with friends of the opposite sex and the ex lover. Meanwhile, he / she normally tell her fake lover that they don't like hanging out in public places. The fact is he / she is not proud of the relationship but must satisfy parental interest.
8. In some cases, he / she wouldn't like the world to know of their relationship because they can break up at any time. They're just in the relationship because of their parents decision. They caution their fake partners never to post anything that concerns their relationship on social media or any public platform.
9. He or she still keep contacts with the supposed ex and people around the ex lover know everything about their present relationship even though the innocent guy or lady was cautioned never to make the relationship public because according to the cheat "if it (the relationship) works out fine, if it doesn't we part ways, the whole world must not know we dated". Meanwhile they are always seen in social gathering with their ex who they are now faking distance but sneaking to keep in touch because of parents decision.
10. The so-called ex is a saint while the present lover continue to be a bad person. He / she can fake quarrel at the slightest provocation just to leave and spend resourceful time with the supposed ex who is still in the picture.
The root cause of the whole scenario boils down to the decision of some African parents.
Allow your kid to find joy in marriages and relationships especially when they are 18+ because they are old enough to be blamed for their mistakes. Every parent want the very best for their children but a popular African proverb clearly envisage:
" A dog that is destined to lost will not pay attention to the whistle of the hunter".
Marriage is all about:
— Love
— Trust
— Joy
— Fun
— Understanding
— Affection
— Tolerance
— Sincerity
— Commitment
— Confidentiality
These highlights must not be a one way traffic; couples must exercise it else the relationship or marriage is doomed.
For how long will the decisions of African parents continue to ruin marriages?
My advise to African parents is simple:
1. Train your kids to be responsible by not over pampering them. Most times, they end up yearning for easy 'breakthrough' when they grow up. They date older men for money without knowing the repercussion. Even in Freetown there is no free food!
2. Teach your kids never to stop and talk to any stranger on the road. Responsible ladies are not halted by unrepentant he goats on the road because they will never stop to give attention talk less of exchanging contacts with them. Teach them to know their dignity to prevent future crisis.
3. You must not be over protective when bringing up the girl child because she will end up sleeping with random men under your nose without your knowledge. Such kids can pretend to be good. They're are "Daddy's girl" and Daddy will always defend them meanwhile they are spoilt brat renowned in the public for their history of promiscuity.
4. Male kids should not be permitted to play around with random girls. Having numerous girlfriends is not a sign of responsibility or masculinity therefore African parents should caution their son on being responsible from a tender age.
5. When your kids finally resolve to settle down, investigate and advice when necessary. Pray for them and bless them if they refuse to adhere to parental instructions because posterity will judge and it will be on record that they turned down your guidance.
Marriages must not continue to suffer in Africa. The rate of divorce cases is rapidly growing which is unlike Africans of the 18th and 19th centuries. The world is dynamic and it is unfortunate that African youths are fast emulating and assimilating western ideas by trashing African ideals.
Today, sex is now graded as fun and orgies like 'threesome' and 'one stand' is celebrated amongst the social circles with numbers of orgasm reached counted as achievements. Strangers now engaged in sexual inter course and classify the act as a mere "fling".
The aforementioned unconventional practices sneaked into Africa as a result of stringent parental choice because a guy or lady compelled to marry the choice of their parent is 80% liable to cheat or explore other sexual options and fantasies even in marriages. It is difficult making love to someone you hate for a lifetime hence cheating is inevitable.
Don't marry the choice of your parents. Marry who you LOVE irrespective of religion, ethnicity or past records. Indeed it is all about choice but the choice should be yours.
© Ajogwu Jerry (2019)
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